i dont know if im doing this right because im only using this website for one reason. i just wanted to explain myself a bit.
most of those reading already know me, but to those who dont, hi, im mage. i honestly dont know what much to say but i guess i'll just explain my situation a bit. growing up, i never really got the love and attention i needed or wanted. my parents were always fighting and doing things to get at eachother. i spent most of my life with my parents coming in and out. basically, things werent great. even now just recently, my parents split up again. just everything that could have gone wrong, has gone wrong. so i just wanted to say a few things. if you're reading this, that means im dead. and this would have been inevitable. i dont really know what to say because this is my first goodbye and all, but yeah. i guess i should start by saying some things.
to anyone reading this: im sorry. im sorry if we never really talked much and youre reading this to find out im dead. im sure we couldve been better friends.
to everyone in mango's server: im sorry for letting you down. i just cant do this anymore and i thank you for being there for me when i really needed it.
to my irl friends: again, im sorry. i know sometimes i was a piece of shit and not that great of a friend, and i hope you'll be okay without me. i dont really know what else to say but im sorry.
to my family: im sorry. i dont know of you expected more from me but i know im never going to have any real value and i feel like this is whats best for me.
to those ive lost touch with: again im sorry we dont talk often. while we did i hope you know i appreciated your company and i just want to thank you for being there for me when you were.
i dont really know what else to say at this part so i guess i will write more about myself.
as a kid, ive always loved weird things. ytps, obscure things, weird ringtones, and more shit obviously. my love for those things have grown on me and stuck with me for years. i guess i never really ever grew up. as of right now i guess the things i enjoy most are music (of any kind honestly,) dave and bambi (shocking), fashion,and just funny shit.
there are some things i wanna get off my chest. near the end of my life, i struggled with an eating disorder. right now im bmi 31.4 and ive been trying everything to lose weight. im only saying it now because i kept it from a lot of people. i've also struggled with self harm if it wasnt obvious, but the worst parts of it were probably during summer of 2021. i cut so much and even cut words into my skin, i have so many scars from it. ive cut recently too but i dont know if its as bad honestly. also something that def wasnt obvious but i suffer from bpd. my grandma and dad both have it too. i think the worst parts of my life came from my disorder. another thing about me that ive never liked is my intrusive thoughts. i dont just mean harming others, ive had terrible ones. i dont know if i should honestly say them here because i dont want anyone to hate me but yea sorry idk what im saying anymore. but basically yea im mentally ill if you couldnt tell. i've never really had that great of support for my mental health. im not saying its really anyones fault, (well maybe a little) but i think thats why i am the way i am. im not really sure wjat else to say but i wanna keep writing. i guess ill say what im doing rn. well obviously im typing this, bfdi is on my aunts tv and her kitten is sleeping right next to me. i feel sick. i constsntly felt like ive had to thrw up all day. im really gross right now. the deep cut on my wrist is covered rn but it still hurts. i have a blister from when i walked 5 hours straight to walmart and back. i just scrstched abovemy eyebrow. ? sorry idk what im saying. right now its Thursday, January 12 at 9:09 pm. Im planning on putting this out tomorrow probably afternoon. I really wanted to stsy alive for my friend's birthday ajd my step mom's but i dont think i can wait any longer. tomorrow im probably gonna slit my wrists again, better this time, and hang myself. no. not probably. i know i will. 
i guess i should probably start off by apologizing to everyone individually. im probably gonna do alphsbetical order but im gonna keep my family out due to theor privacy, besides a few. again im sorry for all of this.
to alo/gec: when we first met, i didnt know what to think of you. gio had met you in a cowbelly server i think? and invited you to his main server. immediately you were super funny and i loved being around you. i loved when we would call and just fuck around. im sorry we havent been able to do that recently let alone these past few years. i still consider you a good friend.          to angelus: when i first met you, i honestly thought you were kinda cool and wanted to be your friend. we have had a rough past, but im glad you're with dal and i hope you two have a good life together. i hope you guys work out and stay together as long as possible.                to beomseok: i do not like your family but im glad i met them because then i wouldnt have met you. thank you for being there for me when i needed you and thank you for being you. i hope this message doesnt overwhelm you, but i wanted to tell you that i love and care about you and that youre so funny and amazing and i would never want you to change.                     to claudia: i honestly dont remember how we met too well. i know you were in gios server, but thats about it lol. i remember during 2020, we bonded over danganronpa a lot. im glad we still talk today even if its not too much, i hope you know that when i mess with you i dont mean any of it, i love you as a friend and im happy you've been there for me when i needed it.                         to dal: i remember when we first met, you asked me if i could draw you a warriors cat cutout. i sadly never did, but a little after we bonded over me having a littlest let shop that looked like bonnie. i just wanted to thank you for being my childhood best friend and even my crush at one point. youve made a huge impact on my life, and im sorry we dont talk very often. i love you. to emma: i only know you from lily. but even though we dont talk and i dont know if you hate me, im glad to know you. i wish we couldve been better friends but thats okay.       to gio: youre my cousin and a considered childhood friend, even if we didnt get along too much akd we dont talk anymore, i love you and i always have. i miss you a lot and i hope that whatever youre doing right now is good. i also hope life turns out well for you.                  to izzy: i know weve never been super close, but i want you to know i love you, and im glad to have you as a friend. im glad you can be there for jam when they need it and i hope you two can stay friends for a long time.                       to jam: where can i start. when we first met, i didnt know what to think of you. our relationship hasnt always been the best, but im glad we couldve stayed friends in the end. thank you for caring about me and staying by my side despite all the bullshit weve gone through. i know i dont say it a lot but i love you. im sorry.                              to malachite: when i first met you i was so excited to have another cool person to know irl. but im sorry i took advantage of that with how i treated you from freshman year. im glad were still friends to this day and that you have dealt with my bullshit this long. thank you for being there for me when i needed it. to sam: i know our friendship hasnt been the best, but im glad i couldve considered you a friend at all. i enjoy sharing interests with you and i love your art.                    to simon: i never would have known you if it werent for lily. when we first met we were both very edgy little fuck heads who didnt know what they were doing. during our time together i really did love you even if it didnt seem like it. im still sorry for hownthings turned out. but im glad i could help you forgive yourself. thank you for being there for me in my last few days and helping me. i care about you even if it doesnt seem like it.
to venus: when i first met you i already knew you would be cool. thank you for being my friend and im sorry if i ever made you uncomfortable with my jokes or if i ever made you feel like i didnt appreciate you.                      to ziggy: when we first met, we had a rough start. i know i can never take back the things i said to you over jam, but i hope you know im truly sorry. im happy you and jam are doing good and i hope it stays that way. i hope you know i consider you a friend even if we dont talk much.                                and finally, to lily. 
i dont really know where to start with this. when i first met you i already had feelings for you, i know that was stupid of me but i couldnt help it. from the start, our relationships have always kind of sucked. but through it all i still loved you. shortly after you came out as trans, i kind of realized i still liked you. at the time you said you liked someone else. so i kinda just let things go. then we started talking again. and i fell hard. you said you had feelingsnfor me too so despite all odds we got back together. for two years you've been my heart. and despite all the bullshit we went through i thought we were perfect for eachother. and once i was starting to change for myself, my world stopped. you moved on so fast and it broke me. look i'll be honest, i can say i hate you and want you dead as much as i want but its not true. the truth is i want you and only you but i cant have you. even if its not what i want, people change. they move on. its part of life. so i guess as long as youre happy, thats all that matters. but it hurts me. so fucking bad. im just glad i was able to feel your touch, and kiss you and be held by you before anyone else did. that is something i will hold onto, even in the afterlife. it hurts me to say this but i hope whatever you do in life, i hope youre happy. i dont really know what else to say.
if i forgot anyone, im sorry. i dont hate you. i just have a lot and nothing on my mind at once. i think this past week has finally been a sign for me to escape the matrix, or whatever the fuck this reality is. i hope you all support me in this decision. thank you for being with me at this time, year, and day. i hope life goes on for you the way it should because mine didnt. i think thats everything. again, thank you for reading this and goodbye.